Sunday, November 20, 2011

Honest Holiday Feelings

As I sit here and listen to "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas," I sweat and look at the palm trees in my backyard. As I read people's status & see pictures on Facebook, fall leaves, cooler weather, special Christmas coffees, pretty wrapping paper, yummy holiday desserts, I sweat and look at my palm trees and am reminded just how far away I am from all I've known, from all that makes holidays, holidays. In most of my posts & articles, I try to be encouraging, sharing what the Lord is doing in my life, but today I am just going to be honest. I am having a hard time.
This marks our third holiday season here in the Philippines. As Thanksgiving is not a celebrated holiday here and fall does not exist, I have tried my best to make things fally. As Christmas approaches, rainy season ends and hot season bursts forth full blast. For some reason this year, it has just been harder than previous years being away from "home." Little frustrations such as not being able to find Christmas pajamas for my kids or no Christmas sprinkles for cookies have left me in tears. The shower is my cry spot. I have frequented it regularly the past few weeks. I find myself longing for coats, hats, scarves, & fuzzy boots. Christmas shopping at the mall, Christmas lights, pretty wrapping paper, Starbucks Christmas coffee, blustery winds, snow...being able to go to the store and find the ingredients for even one recipe in my Christmas cookbook...but, alas. I live on an island in the Pacific Ocean. I wish these things didn't bother me and I could be a good missionary like I'm supposed to be. I mean I knew what I was getting into, right?
I know what holidays are really about and that like Steven Curtis Chapman sings, "Christmas is all in the heart." But when Michael W Smith & Josh Groben sing, "The happiest Christmas is a homecoming Christmas," & "I'll Be Home for Christmas," I just sit and cry.
All this to say, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because I know this is where God wants me to be and great peace comes with that, but please pray for me. I need the Lord's comfort...even though these things seem silly sometimes. Right now they are a big deal to me. And right now, I am so thankful that nothing is too trivial or silly to call on the Lord for. He knows every detail of my heart and mind and nothing is too small for Him.