I go through phases or seasons in my life when I start to question things. I start asking "why" questions. I start doubting. "Am I missing something? Is this really what God called me to?" When nothing that I do seems to matter & I get sucked up in what seems like a never ending race. A race to get ahead. Ahead of what's coming next. I want to be prepared. I want to know what's coming. I don't like surprises. I want to be on top of things. No laundry backed up, no school projects left undone. I strive & strive, but at the end of the day, as I climb into bed, I wonder what in the world I did that day.
I am exhausted by the thoughts of being & doing all I think I am "called" to. Being the attractive, gorgeous, appealing, & understanding wife my husband wants. Raising godly, well-educated, world-impacting kids. Feeding my family healthy, organic food. Winning souls for Christ & impacting the world for The Lord. Being a sensitive friend who keeps up with my 1,000 Facebook friends on an intimate & personal basis. Being an example of patience, goodness, & gratefulness in EVERY situation. Filling my mind with wholesome knowledge by hours of extensive reading & study. DOING GREAT THINGS FOR GOD'S KINGDOM! (These are a few of the people I like to imagine myself as.)
As I have been struggling with these things the past few weeks, I've had a nice, wake-up-call, slap across the face. You know the feeling? You need it, but it doesn't necessarily feel good?
There is a verse I have on my bedroom wall, one we are all familiar with.
"Be still & know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10 (NLT) or
"Cease striving & know that I am God." (NASB)
The word used for "be still & cease striving" is the hebrew word- raphah. The original way it is read is a verb that means "sink." And the short definition means "fail." What? "Sink and fail and know that I am God." When I am in the water, the last thing I want to do is sink. I fight with everything in me not to. And fail? But isn't that what the list of my "called tos" above equals? But I don't like failing. Failing is bad right? Not when I am failing in my own unrealistic expectations & giving in, sinking into what God has for me.
I'm going to have every good intention of getting up & curling my hair & looking cute for my husband, but after being up with a kid all night, with my puffy eyes & yoga pants, I know He is God because He loves me just the way I am (And my husband does too for that matter!) I'm going to try my very hardest & fail at being an awesome Mom & never losing patience & then I'll know He is God & my hardest isn't good enough. I'll train & teach & pour into my kids today only to have the same attitudes to deal with tomorrow & I know He is God because He's the only one who changes hearts. I will be kind & soft spoken most of the day, but will blow the whole thing when I'm just fed up with the person & I will know He is God because He works so wonderfully in spite of me.
This has been a hard one to wrap my mind around & I am in no way saying that we as women shouldn't have expectations or dreams. But make sure they are God's, not yours.