And then life happened. Sometimes so unexpected, sometimes so predictable. It's amazing sometimes how one person's choice can turn your life upside down. I forget that our lives are so intertwined with others & how much of a domino affect things can have.
I'm not even sure how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I feel like part of me is dying inside & I am fighting to keep it alive. Like old wounds that I thought had healed long ago have been reopened. Things I thought had been put behind me are in my face again.
I'm tired of fighting for things that are dying. I'm tired of loving unreciprocated. I'm tired of watching people walk away from arms wide open.
Someone we loved walked away today & it opened the floodgates of my heart. Lots of pent up emotion & thoughts that have been shoved aside for another day came out today. Sadness, frustration, feeling taken for granted, useless, betrayed, & empty.
I should have known there was a reason the prodigal son has kept coming up in conversation, school, & quiet time lately. I have been reminded again of how much I am like the older brother. "Why?" "Why, Father, are you wasting it all on Him? I'm the one who has obeyed." Not that I am not a prodigal as well, because we all are, but I've always identified with the older brother.
I've known a lot of real prodigals in my life. People who have it all, but all they see is what they don't have. People who have been rescued from a living hell & walk back in- WILLINGLY. I just don't get it. I really don't.
I don't have an answer. I don't know why. No person can give me answers. Most people can't identify. So I find myself at the only place I can go. When it comes down to it, where else can we go? When it doesn't make sense, when you don't see His purposes, when you don't have anything left- AT HIS FEET. At His glorious beautiful feet- I throw my struggles, my fear, my hurt. I can almost feel His hands lifting my face up to His. "I see you." He sees me. "I'm here." He's here. "My love is never wasted." His love is NEVER wasted! Loving someone with God's love is NEVER in vain.