Thursday, January 29, 2015

My Greatest Fear

Sometimes it scares me. Most of the time actually. I feel so inadequate, so unprepared, & like I have no idea what I am doing. Wait, who am I kidding? I have no idea what I am doing. I'm not sure anything could have prepared me for it. Parenting.

When I look at my babies, I realize they are babies no more. No more babies, no more toddlers. We are in big kid territory. Babies are easy. They have basic needs, they don't understand what you're saying, and you don't have to explain anything.


 But we are entering in the realm of independence, moodiness & having to explain things- hard things. Like why there are two men kissing in line in front of us, what the dogs are doing the front yard, why we can't watch that movie, why this is wrong and this is right...and the list goes on. We are past behaviors and down to heart issues. We are walking through hard things together. Living in two worlds. Leaving people behind that we love dearly. WHY we are leaving those people behind. We are sculpting little people into big people. But the idea of me sculpting anything is freaking me out.

More and more everyday, I am realizing what a HUGE responsibility this parenting thing is. My babies are His, but He has entrusted them to me to raise for Him. This is awesome & humbling, but sometimes I just wish that He had given me a list with exactly what to do in every situation that comes up with them, like- "When they whine, you do this." "When they ask this question, you say this." There are a lot of good books on parenting out there & I am the first one to jump on the bandwagon of this parenting method or that way of discipline but when it comes down to it, I try it for a while & then quit when I'm discouraged.

I have great kids. They are imaginative, creative, & bless me so much. But I want them to have an impact for the Lord. How do you raise a world-changer? How do you prepare them for what's coming? How do you teach them to love but not to compromise? How to resist temptation? How to hear God's voice?

My greatest fear is losing my kids- not necessarily to death, but to the world. It scares me TO DEATH. I have watched so many kids from amazing godly homes, with awesome parents walk away, some of them being my own family. My parents have struggled with feelings of failure, inadequacy, & guilt. But I, and everyone else, tell them, "It isn't your fault. You were faithful and obedient and raised them for the Lord. It's their choice."

So...why am I afraid? I am afraid because it is my job to make them godly adults. I am afraid that I won't say or do the things that make them love God. I am afraid that my methods & programs won't work.

Slowly and surely, like a sunrise, the truth is dawning on my stubborn, fear driven self.
My kids are His. He has given me all I need to be a mother because HE is all I need. He is the one who saves. He is the one who creates and makes a world-changer. He has given me His word & His Spirit to tell & show me what to do and say. And so much of it is, a Spirit walk. I am inadequate. But He isn't. I don't have the answers, but He does. All He asks is that I be faithful to my calling as their mother.

Joshua Christopher- God is my salvation, bearing Christ.

Christiana Faith- Graceful follower of Christ, to trust.

He does the work, the changing, that makes them world-changers. He's always faithful.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

My Love/Hate Relationship With Change

2015...It feels weird writing that. Weird and exciting. The past few months have been a whirlwind of busyness, holidays, family & friends, speaking at churches, and literally traveling around the world. Our plans & lives have been tossed, rearranged, changed & dissected multiple times. I have a strange relationship with change. I mostly hate it. But it is exciting at the same time, because I never know exactly what's coming.

Our ministry has changed from flying airplanes to one of strategy & assessments for at least this year. I feel a little bit of an identity crisis as we have always identified ourselves as a missionary pilot family. My house is even decorated in airplanes for crying out loud. This is where my hate relationship with change comes in. When it starts messing with my identity...funny the things we find our identity in. Usually something that can change in the blink of an eye.

I recently took a personality test that was actually very accurate...I am an ESFJ- a Sentinel. Someone who stands in the same place! The SAME place. Unfortunately, it is hard to stay in the same place and go very far with God.

There is a lot of stuff out nowadays about being true to your self, embracing your inner self, etc. I think there is some truth to some of it, but to be honest, a lot of it is bunk. God has given each of us unique personalities, strengths, weaknesses, things we like and dislike, preferences, passions and callings. But I've discovered something. A lot of times, He asks us to do things, to follow Him into something or somewhere that we don't like, that we aren't "gifted" for, & that simply "just isn't me." My life is a life of change- constant change. And guess what? I am a SENTINEL, a TYPE A, a steady.

But Jesus says-
"And Jesus called to Him the throng with His disciples and said to them, If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and take up his cross, and [joining Me as a disciple and siding with My party] follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me]." -Mark 8:34 AMP

I use the excuse a lot that, "This is just not me." Well, I'm right. It's not. It's HIM. And He has called me to it. And I would be miserable if I decided to do anything but what He has called me to. Sometimes I have wondered what it means to deny myself- well, for me, right now, I have my answer. To step out in obedience to this life of change & know that HE will be all I need. If HE called me to something that I was "capable" of, I wouldn't really need Him, would I?

This truly has been a rambling post...thanks for reading, supporting, & living life with me. It's truly an adventure, this missionary life.