You know on the superhero-spy movies, when someone goes "radio silent?" Radios are regular part of my life & so I feel kind of connected to them. They speak my language. Radio silent- off the grid- going dark. That's how I would describe my life lately. Radio silent. I've gone dark. I've retreated into my "safe house."
Many of you have probably noticed less Facebook posts, short-replies to texts, unreturned emails. To be perfectly honest, I'm having trouble dealing with life which equals social radio silence. A big reason is sometimes it seems like God has "gone dark."
It feels like I'm screaming into the wind & He doesn't hear. I read His Word and it doesn't jump off the page like I long for it to. I desire more than anything else to glorify God with my life & earnestly seek Him with all that I am. To revel in His love. But it's hard when you just don't feel it...the world can be so overwhelming at times. And sometimes the places I am so sure that He is, He isn't. Where is He?
Seeing others pain- a friend whose baby met Jesus before he met his mommy. Struggling family members looking for a fresh start. Pain of my own- people not treating my husband with the respect I feel he deserves, disobedient kids, unanswered questions, unknown questions & the biggest one for me- not feeling needed. It seems like the people who should be "for me," aren't. And comparison. Such a joy-stealer. Ugh.
People ask how I am. "Fine!" I'm all for being honest, but how do you be honest when you can't even put into words what's going on in your heart? So I stick with the safe answer.
The past few months have been a hard time of doubt. Doubt is pretty fast runner & seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't manage to stay ahead. "Who am I, really?" "What has God called me to?" "I don't even know what my gifts are." "Are we really where we're supposed to be?" Funny how the last question usually comes when things aren't going the way we hoped. And doubt quickly transforms to lies. "I am a nobody. I don't have a calling. No one cares. I can't do anything for God." Nasty lies, so destructive. And the battle goes on and on in my heart & mind.
It is during these times that I have to hold on for all I am worth to the truth. The glorious truth that isn't based on what I feel or on what is going on.
A Steven Curtis Chapman song has kept coming in my mind that expresses it perfectly-
Sometimes He Comes in the Clouds.
HE IS MY HOPE. HE IS MY CALLING. HE IS FOR ME. HE IS MINE & I AM HIS. HE CARES. HE KNOWS. HE SEES. HE IS WRITING HIS STORY.
So hold onto hope, friends. HE IS IN THE DARK. HE IS IN THE SILENCE.